Killing Mind

For some - and this may come as a shock to those for whom Sydney is synonymous with New South Wales - travelling to Sydney is akin to waxing one's genital regions. Sure, many claim it's fun, stylish, and even commonplace. And like ripping hairs out, the memory of the irritation dulls over time and you think about giving it a crack again. Each time I take the plunge however, I'm left walking like I've spent too much time in the saddle.

After my last trip to the Harbour City, I discovered that the only thing less navigable than Sydney is the myriad of websites wanting your money for navigating Sydney. Of course, the easy thing to do is gunk your windscreen with another electronic car doohicky and breeze through the exclusive "E-tag only" lanes. When you average a trip to Sydney once a year or so though, it's hard to justify adding $90 ($40 for the tag, $50 minimum deposit) to the trip for the privilege of joining the toll road club. It'd be like you bank saying, "Good News! We're phasing out the hassle of having to remove your card from your wallet in order to use the ATM. Introducing Barcode-On-The-Wrist!", and then requiring $90 for the privilege of wearing your bank account identification. At least the first $50 of withdrawals wouldn't come out of your account - they would have already been deducted when you first signed up!

So I took the alternative and tried to pay my tolls online. It soon became evident that this wasn't your grandmother's online payment process. I found a stack of dead-end websites offering to take my toll, but none would let me check whether I actually owed anything - all I could do was make a payment in good faith, and if there was an amount owing it would be paid. If there wasn't... my deposit would still be gratefully accepted, just in case I ever do use that particular toll road! Even the rate was unclear - there was no indication of the variation for North and South bound or the different times of the day or week. After meandering through more toll websites than "no right turns" in Sydney, I paid all that I could see I might have incurred.

In return for my patronage, a letter arrived a couple of weeks later that delighted in informing me I had briefly graced their particular stretch of toll road and neglected to pay the troll my due. At least they compensate their "admin" department well, adding a $10 charge to the toll for the taxing burden of sending an automated letter.

Next year I'm counting on pubic hair being back in fashion.