Killing Mind

In January of last year I made the decision to leave a low pressure job, working on what I wanted to work on, getting paid well and being very well respected by my co-workers and management.

My decision was based on two tenets. Firstly, I saw the purpose of my department moving away from where I was most valuable. And rightfully so. The company was reining in its research and development aspects and concentrating on its profitable core business service delivery arms. I didn't want to be the only remaining R&D dude, twiddling my thumbs in the periods between when the company wished to exercise its R&D capabilities.

The second tenet was more personal. I simply wanted to spread my wings, and earn some experience outside the cosy embrace of my first professional employer. I knew I had been spoiled with generous and protective management, but I also needed to fill out my experience more widely and find out where I could take my career with the retrospective angle of perspective.

Job hunting turned out to be a lesson in itself about the world of recruitment and it took until December for me to finally sign on the dotted line and start a new job.

The warning bells came early, with the boss regularly delivering neurotic outbursts, outlandish and public criticisms of co-workers, gratuitous stories of sexual exploits, occasionally ranting and yelling at customers on the phone and regularly proclaiming bipolar business decisions. But I needed to succeed and tried to keep up with the flip-flopping priorities while ensuring that the project I was managing was going to be delivered. Things did not improve and on Monday, with a heavy heart, I decided that the current project would be my last and started looking for another job.

Today, Friday, a significant chapter in my experience-seeking journey was written when for the first time, I was fired.

The notion that I was fired still does not sit with me well. I pride my self on being able to handle complex situations and find a solution. Firing is for people who are out of their depth, or who either refuse to or are unable to perform. I didn't fall into those categories, but I did fail to "manage up".

In the first couple of weeks of my employment, once I realised that I had been employed not to add a software project management capability to the business, but to serve as the figure that would rescue a failing relationship with a difficult customer, I subdued the situation as best I could and quietly tried to figure out whose toes I was stepping on. Since I was employed as a stopgap, not an addition or replacement, then surely there was resistance to my being there. The answer was easy to find. I was in an uncomfortable position of taking the role of a guy straddling the point between taking on business direction he didn't want to deal with and going back to a software development role he's worked hard to rise above. What I failed to then do, was win the respect of my superiors by continually asking for how they would do my tasks. I failed to adapt to the management style and realise that keeping my job would require more emphasis on ensuring I was well synchronised with the pressures and rapidly evolving expectations of management, rather my more instinctive priorities of completing quality work. Business is about managing relationships and those relationships are affected by business pressures. This is a useful lesson.

In the end, I'm content to lose this battle. I'm proud of what I achieved in a short time, was never going to stay employed without losing my dignity and self-worth, and I had already made my mind up to leave. I feel awful to have left a project halfway through, but there were probationary period considerations. I feel for the two engineers left - bright, reliable and hard workers - who are in the minority for not being fired during their probation period and are left dealing with regular and public character slights or work criticisms, and deal with headaches and upset stomachs in a stressful environment.

What do I do now? Well first I write. I write so slowly that it serves as an excellent process to order my thoughts. The many paragraphs I've already deleted writing this have been cathartic and served their purpose. Next I thoroughly enjoy the fact that I have days at home to myself. I'm terribly excited about getting stuck into a couple of projects that are sitting here begging for attention. Already this afternoon I've marked off a nice collection of jobs that had been gathering. And then I work stupidly hard on finding another job. In less than three months I've gathered more perspective than I expected and weathered a significant professional chapter with valuable lessons. I've also inherited a blight on my career history, but it can't all be roses I suppose.